


the mountain split in twain

by Bushwah



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Anger Management, Angst and Tragedy, Consent Issues, Dacryphilia, Gen, HYDRA Trash Party, Hurt No Comfort, Identity Issues, Logistics, Loss of Identity, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Minor Character Death, Miscommunication, Torture, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, angry crying, autonomy violation, grieving referenced, identity violation, invisible non-consent, kwp (kink without plot)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:42:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27126031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bushwah/pseuds/Bushwah
Summary: Bucky cries now.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18
Collections: Dacryphilia Dog Days -





	the mountain split in twain

Bucky never used to cry.

Steve remembers so clearly that he was always strong. Steve cries when he's angry enough, always has, but Bucky just gets— _got_ quiet and serious, and when old Joe from the butcher's died he had to learn how not to break things from moving too fast or using too much strength. Growing up might've been another factor in that; Bucky shot up like a weed where Steve didn't, not 'til later.

Bucky cries now. He cries all the time—tears falling down his face to be caught by the sleeve of his thick knit sweater; slopping across the bridge of his nose when he lies on his side, still as death, staring at a wall like a hunter in a lodge; or if he's on his back, drip-drip-dripping into his ears. He stays where Steve puts him, mostly, and speaks when spoken to, but he becomes confused and upset if certain things are said to him, and Steve learns, too late, to pick his battles.

* * *

The past is a minefield, and the future a featureless wall of light, rising up to swallow him whole.

Steve (he doesn't know his own name, but he knows that name) says that he's safe now, that he's free, that he won't be hurt anymore. The referent 'hurt' is absent. He doesn't dare to ask what it means; he knows he has regretted asking before. From proximity, 'safe' and 'free' are presumably similar.

He doesn't know what all the conditions are for this new period of relief—hopes he'll have a chance to find them before Steve runs out of patience—but this one sends an echo down his memory.

* * *

“They wanted to make me cry.”

Steve laughs—big, strong Steve, and Bucky's heart recoils. Tears prick at the corners of his eyes, but Steve isn't looking. “They picked the wrong guy for that.”

Of course Steve doesn't understand. Steve shouldn't. Two extremes dominate Bucky's thoughts:

  * Steve is detestable. Steve doesn't understand. Steve is a lucky bastard who has never known real suffering, who has never been forced to choose humiliation over pain. Steve is immature, and he should grow up and start living in the real world.
  * Steve is perfect. Not like him—Steve wouldn't have broken. Steve wouldn't ever have given a bully what he wanted just to make it stop. Or not even stop, but turn to a finer and finer degradation of the spirit. _Steve_ wouldn't have bowed his head. He would have had to be wrestled to the ground every single time.



The latter wins out, over time, but the former continues to burn a hole in his heart, a hollow place to store the screams he can't voice.

* * *

He can feel something missing, but he doesn't know what it is. He puts it out of his mind. This is a longer respite than he's ever been given. He's afraid, terribly afraid, that he's misjudged—that he fails to understand what he should be grateful for, and that he will fail, at some point, to properly express that gratitude, as he always has. He reminds himself that he's done all right so far, and Steve doesn't seem angry.

Steve gives him plenty of water, and he drinks greedily. He'll need all of it to keep crying.


End file.
